Friday, August 21, 2009

EVOLVEMENT?


I cant believe that I am even contemplating this relationship with the “dude”! Weirdest thing ever! Its crazy to think that I actually might have found someone that knows how to treat me and like a princess and queen that I am for that matter. And I don’t mean that in an all crazy and self absorbed way. But in all honesty, I will treat my man the same way. Well, like a king. Im not saying its going to be him. I mean, Ive never even met the guy. But the fact that it’s a possibiity. The fact that ive even gotten this close to even considering or even having someone treat me like this and find everything about me amazing; im blessed. I truly am. I guess it means that im evolving. I know, silly statement. We are all constantly evolving. But are we? Does one evolve if they are not aware of it? Does awareness, conscious awareness equal evolvement? Does one evolve even if they are unaware of it? Or is that the definition of evolvement? Awareness? (You’re asking a lot of good questions Shari. ;) Or perhaps just rambling as you normally do because you have no idea where you are going with this entry)

Focus Goldberg! Okay. So. Back to the “dude”. We ‘ve been speaking online for almost 2 years. And only in the last few months has it gotten to the point where we are speaking on the phone. Weve written on and off for years. Nothing too serious. Just checking in and photo comments etc. In all honesty, I just took it as another online “friendship” that wouldn’t go anywhere. I mean, I knew he found me attractive, as he never kept that a secret. But I had absolutely no interest in him physically. It's not that he is unattractive, but just not my "type". I know that might sound superficial, but it was what it was. We all have to be attracted on some level. Im not even really sure where it started to change? Actually, im not even sure it has yet. I mean, he’s coming out here in a few weeks to stay with me for 5 days and im not even sure how I feel! Oh, I guess I forgot to mention that part. Yes, its progressed. Rapidly. I mean, he knows how I feel. Ive told him numerous times that I don’t have the same feelings towards him. Oh right, he has professed his love for me. Yes. He actually said that. He has told me he is in love with me! I know. How is that possible? How can you be in love with someone that you’ve never seen in person?? Not that pictures and webcam conversations havent been brought into play (not dirty you pervs!), but I still believe one has to look into ones eyes in person and also that damn chemistry thing. Ugh chemistry. I cant tell you the thousands of times ive found someone super attractive physically and have felt absolutely NO chemistry with them and vice versa. Im banking on the chemistry with this one. Im really banking on it! I mean, he’s gonna be here in a few weeks!!! But honestly, beyond anything else, we’re going to have fun. He makes me laugh out loud. I read his texts (most of our communication) and I just giggle or heartily laugh or roll my eyes, or want to smack him or hug him or really anything for that matter. He stirs up emotions. But so can a dog, right? I know that sounds harsh. Lets go back a bit…

Ive never been treated the way I should have by a man. Not their fault. Mine. I accepted it. I invited it in my life. I take full responsibility for my bad relationships. Im done with that part of my life. That part never existed. Its all full steam ahead. Im ready for the love of a lifetime. Im ready for the love story that will go down in history as one of the greatest love stories of all time. Ive been prepped for this. Im ready.

Being “ready” though comes with some risks. Being “ready” means that when its time, you have no choice. You have to jump in when its there! The universe is always working along side you to conspire with you to give you what you need even sometimes when you think its not what you want. Its about being open and listening. My first instincts are to run right now. Do I fuck with this persons heart? Isnt soul mate love supposed to knock you over the head?!? Wasn’t I supposed to know “im going to marry this guy” the moment I met him? Isnt that how this works?? Maybe. For some. My life has never followed the “rules”. Ive always been one with a bit of twists and turns in my life which always makes for a much better story. I mean, my ex fiance, I didn’t know I was in love with him until I almost lost him. I think I’ve “evolved” since then. I don’t think I need to go to that extreme to figure this out. Im always so afraid of hurting someone. Ive been afraid of hurting him. I tried chasing him away already, but he wont leave! Ive been ridiculously honest with him, (minus the maybe not being physically attracted part) ive told him that I don’t have the same feelings. He says he’s not giving up. So maybe I owe us the chance. Anything that does or doesn’t happen, that’s on each of us individually. If he is willing to throw himself into something and take the risk, that’s on him if he gets hurt. I have to say though, that is definitely something that makes him a lot more attractive. His persistance. He just goes head on into something and that to me is something I do too. I risk. I like that. The only way to gain anything in life is to risk. You will never know true happiness if you never take that leap into it. Sometimes it pays off, and other times it doesn’t. But sometimes it does. That’s the important part.



Oh boy. What am I doing? Lol. I guess what I can CONFIDENTLY say is that im there. ive arrived. Im ready to stop running from goodness. Its been a long time since ive trusted like this. It feels amazing. Not a doubt in my mind how he feels about me. That is a major exhale. But he deserves someone that feels the same way. I don’t want to like someone because they like me. I cant live my life like that. I believe too much in love to ever settle for that. I know that’s not truly a concern though. I will never allow that for myself or for him.





I sometimes wonder though, (my silly inner voices/insecurities), does he really like ME, or is this some insecure thing on his part that allows him to just like anyone because he wants love so badly? Then I wonder, does it matter? The point is, he loves you. Does it matter where it stems from? Of course it does. When one gets healthy, or evolves, one figures out there life and eventually gets it “together”. Although even if he does, who’s to say im still not perfect enough in his eyes? ;) Duh! Hello! Enough of this.

Moving on!
Career. Hmm. Ouch. Ugh.
35 years old as of a few weeks ago. Age has never really affected me. This one did. I think its because its actually my MID 30’s. Halfway to 40! 40!!!! I guess that wouldn’t matter so much in my head if I was at the point career and love wise I “expected” to be. But we all know about expectations, don’t we? (I wish I had a funny quip to write right now like we say about assuming but alas, I don’t). but yeah, expectations are never lived up to. Nor should they be. Every experience is unique within itself and expecting your human mind to grasp the outcome or what you’re going to feel just takes away from its magic. Life is magical, but that’s another blog for another time. But 35. The other day I was filling out a survey for a free drink from starbucks and it asked me my age category. For the first time, I got a bit nauseous. Prior I was in the 18-34 range and suddenly I had to check the box below. 35-49. That hit me. Hard. Frigggin starbucks. Thanks for throwing my week into a tissy!

Damn. I ramble. A lot. Not sure if its my brain or this caffeine or a bit of both? I want to blog this blog but in all honesty, im not sure if the “dude” reads my stuff? Do I want to put all this out there about him? Part of me feels that the guy I would settle down with, would read and see and watch everything I do. So yes, I do expect him to read this. At the same time, I don’t think he reads a lot. Not that he is dumb, lol, but just not an avid reader. But truth is truth. If I cant put my heart out there, then I shouldn’t be writing period.


Im sitting at starbucks (the tissy causer) writing this and im watching this woman in her mid-late 40’s playing with her iphone. Not sure why its intriguing me right now. Maybe because I know she just got it as she is obsessed with it, but also im watching her play with the camera and I just keep expecting her to smile for it. But shari, shes not you. She’s not taking self portraits. She’s actually taking pictures of other people. Im blaming the “dude” for this latest obsession with self portraits. (Sure Shari, you’ve never liked yourself enough to take a pic in the mirror without goading) He’s always asking for pictures of me everyday. In my work clothes, in my normal clothes, going out, going to bed, waking up. Ive never met anyone who wants to see me at all times. Weird. Im back to writing about him again.

Okay. Im done. My legs are asleep, my coffee is nearing the bottom and well, ive seen enough hot men that I have no chance with (gay) for the day. Plus, im really thinking about going home and getting online and pubishing this. If it makes it, you know ive decided to be brave and put it all out there. I mean, if you are reading this “dude”, you might as well know it all. The truth. You deserve it. And for the record, I do believe this could turn into the love story of all love stories. Or not. Guess will find out soon…

1 comment:

John said...
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