The first day of the month. Everyday seems like a brand new day. I mean, I know it is, but it's almost as if I am creating something and heading in this brand new exciting and wonderful direction. It is almost as if it's a new life. Or actually like a very old friend that has always been there. Just needed to reconnect. That is what all this is. I just finished skimming through my one woman show that I wrote almost 3 years ago, and granted that a lot of it was for entertainment purposes, but my core was in every single word on those pages. My doubts, my fears, my hopes, my state of mind. It's strange and at the same time not surprising that I already had all the answers. I knew exactly what I had to do with my life to be happier or just more peaceful. I saw so clearly then the conscious choices I was making to BE unhappy. I couldn..t understand why the world was against me and the truth of the matter was, it was me. I was my own abuser and victim. No one else. Just me. I might have been around people who didn't treat me kindly, but *I* chose those people in my life. They showed up because I invited them in. I didn't understand why I kept finding myself in the same situations time and time again, when the truth of the matter was, I wanted to. I wanted to keep blaming others for my hurt and pain because it was easier than doing the work it would take to find the love for me. I was looking for others to love me and accept me when I couldn't even do that for myself. I know, we all KNOW this and preach it and believe that we truly do love ourselves. I know I believed it. I knew I was good to people, had a good personality, knew I loved truthfully and loyally (is that a word?) and just convinced myself that despite the obvious physical issues I had with myself, I truly did love me. Bullshit. If I did, there is no way I would've allowed ONE person, let alone several to compromise my standards for what I wanted in my life or how I should be treated. The only reason they were "allowed" to, is because *I* allowed them to. I invited them to. It was what I expected from others since that is what I knew from being a child who had to deal with issues that no one that age or really any age should have to. Reading my thoughts from 3 years ago and the way I looked at myself as a victim and the world being against me just makes me smile now. I literally laughed out loud. I was packing up my computer to take to starbucks (of course) and I came across my one-woman show that I always put in my bag so I eventually would be motivated to finish or actually re-write a true ending and just decided to open it and laughed at the first few lines.. "To get up or not to get up..that is the question... This might sound like such a strange dilemma I am going through to you because I don't sound really tired..I'm not. I just know that this day is headed where every other day goes..NOWHERE".
WOW!!! Geez, I wonder why I wasn't headed in a positive direction in my life? I had no expectations for myself except to stay unhappy and pathetic. LOL. Seriously. But the truth of the matter that actually makes me overwhelmed right now is that I am NO LONGER IN THAT PLACE. What overwhelms me and moves me and mystifies me even, is that when I turned to the last page of my script, I told myself exactly what I know right now. This moment. I already KNEW what had to be done. I already KNEW the answers I know right now. I just chose to not pay attention to what needed to be done. I CHOSE to stay in that place and continue to blame it on the dark cloud that followed me. The endless victim. The girl that the world was against. But I kept that smile. Oh yes. Shari and that smile. Me and that damn smile. That smile that masked so much but at the same time knew that that is who I was and am. That smile is me. But the funny thing is, it was a mask and a truth all at the same time. It hid so much of what was underneath, but also was the light and truth that was under that mask still fighting to be seen knowing that eventually all would be stripped away and it would still be there glowing.
What am I talking about? I have never been good at metaphors. They always sounded so poetic and I have always wanted to write "intelligently" It's funny what our impressions of what intelligence are to each of us or really are impressions of anything. I used to try to write poetry like other people. Like what I thought poetry was supposed to be like. But I would come up with things like "Can Drano suck out the dirt and hurt in my heart like it does in my tub?" LOL. I'm such a dork sometimes. But I am okay with that. I am learning to be okay with the fact that I am not as witty as I want to be. That sometimes I have the funniest things or comebacks to say and sometimes I just sit there in silence with 87 thoughts running through my head that I am left with nothing to say. I am okay with the fact that I am sometimes a much better writer than I am talker even though I want to be an actress. I am okay with the fact that when I am in a confrontational situation, that I get overwhelmed by emotion and cry sometimes while fighting with someone. I used to hate it because I thought that it made me look weak because I was not a good debater, just crier. I am okay with the fact that I need a lot of attention some days. It might be too much for some, but there will be others who have no problem expressing their feelings the way I do. I am okay with the fact that sometimes I can stay in my pajamas all day long and watch 7 hours of tv to have mindlessness and then at other times want to get in my car and just drive to nowhere so I can be filled with my thoughts. I am okay with the fact that one day I can be so passionate about the way I feel about something, and the next day disagree with myself completely. I know that can be frustrating to people, because how can someone take your word on something if you are constantly changing your mind? The reason is, is that my heart doesn't change about my core beliefs. My love, my loyalty, my devotion is always constant. The way I feel about a situation might change. The way I feel about an interest might change..but me, Shari, is always present. The girl that loves meeting new people and delving sometimes so far into their lives and interests to experience it all! I don't see how anyone sees that as bad. I want to learn it all, know it all, experience it all. At the end, I hold on to what I connect with. What I want to. I tried being a vegetarian for a year, I tried Buddhism, I started claiming Jesus as my lord and saviour because my mom told me to. (we are Jewish). LOL. At the end of the day, no one can convince me of anything. At the end of the day, my heart knows what my heart knows and what is right for me. Right now my heart is saying that everything that is happening to me in my life..the start of new friendships, the temporary closings of others, the reconnections with old ones, the pain, the fear, the hope, all of it I can say confidently, is EXACTLY where I should be. I have no doubt in my mind that I am being true to myself everyday. The best part about it, is that I am doing what I said 3 years ago I would be doing one day. And that is, no matter what comes my way, I know that I will be okay and that light will continue shining. The difference now is that I avoid the situations that can bring harm my way. I don't search to be hurt. I don't invite it in. I listen to my truth even if in the moment it seems easier to make the more harmful choice for the temporary satisfaction it might bring. I don't think so much. I just am. I am more comfortable in me everyday and the decisions I make. It's honestly the most peaceful loving place to be. Now granted, that doesn't mean that I wont hurt or that I wont sometimes find myself in an unexpected situation that might not be where I thought I would be. But I know that I can deal with it, not get lost in it and not allow it to be a downward spiral that just invites more of it into my life. And THAT is more comforting and exciting and uplifting and joyous then I could've imagined that "perfect" life I thought I had to have.
I think I might have just helped finish writing the end to my script.